Jack's turning one tomorrow. Yes, it's already been a whole year. Crazy, I know!  Over the past year I've occasionally thought ahead to Jack's birthday wondering what I would be feeling.  I want to be able to celebrate and have fun like I do with any of the kids' birthdays, but his birth day was different.  So different. There were so many other emotions felt surrounding the day of August 9th, 2011 that I'm not sure I can separate the joy of giving birth to my child and the pain of what our family went through watching Ty fight for life. Even just typing those words makes my stomach drop and my heart pound.  I remember how I sat by his side that first night in the ER, me in my hospital gown, and him hooked up to countless tubes and monitors.  I remember how his hair felt as I stroked it over and over, how his 7 year-old hand felt so little in mine, and how I wanted nothing more than just to be able to stay with him. I remember the next day, after being discharged from one hospital (mine), walking into the ICU of another (his), and right away noticing Ty's eyes looking at me over the oxygen mask, so tired and confused. He cried when he saw me.  I hadn't been there for him. When he needed me more than ever before I wasn't there.  Of course, I realize it was completely out of my control and so I can't feel guilty. Reas was there every step of the way. It just makes my heart break to think about how scared they must have been. The hurt becomes too real when I think about it too much. I try not to.  I don't want Jack's birthday and these painful memories to be so intertwined that I can't just be happy celebrating Jack. Tomorrow morning I'll wake up to Jack's birthday.  Tomorrow morning will be one year after one of the best and worst days of my life.  I'm not sure what I'm feeling.
It's gratitude, love, sadness, and maybe even a little fear - all at the same time.  Whatever it is, my heart feels     heavy and full.